I’m not drunk yet, but we haven’t
spoken in months now
and I wanted to tell you that
someone threw a bouquet of roses
in the trash bin on the corner of my
street, and I wanted to cry
you know exactly why.
And, I guess I’m calling because
only you understand
how that would break my heart.
some days its everything I can do to not break every bone in this body, crack the surface and watch it dance.
muscle feels like rubber strings pulled taut and when they snap would it hum with the dizzy song of my wanton breath?
oh I am just a carrier of this disease, this rot of mind
what am I supposed to do with all this silence?
and the whimpers I hide in the dark the way my hands clench so tight when I wake I shake to pieces I forget weren’t there in the first place
its all I can do not to strike you
I’m damaged goods honey, only way left to go is up.
let’s try this song and dance again
(I want to see you try.)
is there catharsis? is there quiet for the noise I carry? Every richochet every thought that spins into a thousand shards of glass splicing more splinters carreening into the puddles that are left?
oh, there is no greater torture than what is left here,
look you broke me open once-you can’t just leave without finishing the job
I can’t wait for you destroy me. come on baby one more hit
I’m tired of resilence let’s pull the other one
one year down nine to go sweetheart, how much more can this body take?
and some days the buzz of noise feels tangible, like a high pitch slicing into my head chasing stacatto beats into my lungs
oh how could you understand the need the want the necessary pains you take to keep steady, keep still
and its everything its nothing its roaring into the edge of a distillery, the scream of a train can feel like a second skin trackmarks around your broken beating hummingbird heart
I want to pinch the sides of my bruised ribs spin the blues around my fingers and dig into the bone,
I want you to say it means something
(I know it doesn’t)
my head feels too full like the space between my ears broke into atoms swirling into pieces and its all I can do to not streak apart
my bones could beat the breath out of you there are ants beneath this skin the implosions of my flesh would be fireworks without sound
oh, the sky breaks above our heads and its everything I can do to keep my waterballoon insides in its cage
I’m dripping from my fingernails from my nostrils, from my webbed feet
flinches can feel like knives but the slam of a door makes my heart stutter and my words die in my chest
excitement is like a beehive in my breast and I can’t swallow it all down baby I can’t